Hello, Everyone! Welcome to our third installment of “How Did You All Get Here,” our special edition post in which we answer questions from the Internet that weren’t intended for us. GOOGLE is a miraculous resource, and what we’ve learned as we peruse our blog’s traffic page is that a lot of people think google is their best friend and that it understands just what they mean and also has all the answers. And we, of course, are here to show them that they are right.
To the questions.
Actual Search #1: “”dirty sweatpants””
Jana: Is it ok to wear them? Where do you buy them? What qualifies as “too dirty” – are these your questions? If so, the answers are yes, I can sell you a pair, and it really takes a lot.
Catherine: Your eyes aren’t deceiving you, this was googled with quotation marks around it. Apparently they are only a hypothetical, not quite real thing to this person. For me, in my own life, no quotation marks required.
Actual Search #2: “pants don’t fit”
Jana: Get bigger pants, I think. Also, again, do you think google is just a friend who will be like, “Yes they do! Wear them!” What do you think google can do? Because it can’t see you really. So we don’t all know if the pants really don’t fit or if maybe you’re just having a low self-esteem day.
Catherine: Girl, GIRL – I FEEL YOU. When Jana and I were gloriously together two weeks ago we both decided I should buy a pair of too-tight purple skinnie jeans. I tried to wear them out on Friday, looked at myself, had a small nervous breakdown, and then changed.
Actual Search #3: “why does my boyfriend sit with me at the hairdressers”
Jana: Probably you should get rid of this guy. Is he trying to monitor your haircut? If so, he’s an asshole. If not, he’s too clingy. He should take a walk. Most hairdressers are located near a great sandwich shop. You should date someone who would rather eat a great sandwich and then tell you how good your hair looks later (or hold you while you cry, if you’re me).
Catherine: Why do you let him?
Actual Search #4: “what did i do to deserve man boobs”
Jana: You seem nice.
Catherine: If you need to GOOGLE THIS to find out why, THAT is what you did to deserve them.
Actual Search #5: “fucking cashier catherine from work”
Jana: Are you planning to kill her or something?
Catherine: Oh my. Um. Do you want to know like, HOW to do this? How to get the girl or how to -ahem- (fuck.) Or do you want to see it happen? You need to be a lot more clear. Better yet, walk up to Catherine from work, say this to her and watch yourself get slapped in the pimply face.
Actual Search #6: “mario lopez crying”
Jana: Saved By The Bell was so good, I agree. Also how did this lead to our blog?
Catherine: Yeah, ok. Who wouldn’t want to see that?
Actual Search #7: “what is did i do something to u”
Jana: Go to sleep. You’re drunk.
Catherine: Poor thing.
Actual Search #8: “i hate working at deli”
Jana: You’re just not cut out for it, then. Not everyone is.
Catherine: So does everyone besides Jana Pollack. You’re not alone. #itgetsbetter
Actual Search #9: “why its ok to be a hairdresser”
Jana: I would like this to be punctuated like: “why, it’s ok to be a hairdresser!” Then I could believe it was typed into google by a little boy or girl with a dream and a smile.
Catherine: Oh, I don’t know. Because people need their hair done? Is it your dream to be a hairdresser you dear little lost dove? Chase that dream. Cut those split ends. Dye that shit. I’m with you, even though nobody in your family is and you got kicked out of the house.
Actual Search #10: “shaws supermarket employee deli counter fired for”
Jana: Were you looking for reasons that you could get fired from a deli? Because here are some things you can do and remain hired: smoke pot in the freezer, regularly eat many slices of meat, lie to customers about what’s in stock, cook lobster in the back kitchen. I guess maybe if you purposely bled on stuff?
Catherine: A honest to goodness MYSTERY SEARCH! I’m dying over here, WHAT WERE THEY FIRED FOR? Cutting the meat too thin? Laughing when people ordered ham salad? Ridiculing heavy people who attempted to order “light” cheese??