Hello, readers. So, now that we’re a big deal, something new is happening: wordpress informs us that we are being found via google. Hooray!, you might think we’re thinking. But, let me clarify. It’s not that we’re being found via google ON PURPOSE; no, we are being found via google by people who are in really weird, gross, or sad situations. They are stumbling upon us, because what we write about is weird, gross, and sad. Through the magic of the internet, we’re being connected with our people.
Since these poor suckers aren’t getting the answers that they’ve probably expected when clicking our link, we thought we would try to provide some now. Listen and learn.
First, we shall address some of the MANY search queries relating to cold sores.
Actual Search #1: “did people notice my cold sore on my wedding day”
Catherine: Most definitely.
Jana: Did you seriously not postpone your wedding?
Catherine: You know there are hundreds of pictures, right?
Actual Search #2: “I have a bad cold and sore throat should I hang with my friends or just stay home”
Catherine: Just stay home. You didn’t say it explicitly, but I’m assuming your face is also broken out and you’ve been wearing the same underwear/sweatpants for a few days now. Nobody wants to see that.
Jana: Listen, guy, I’m not gonna tell you that I haven’t on occasion rallied through a little sore throat by chugging airborne and taking tequila shots. That said, I was much younger. So this really depends on your age. How old are you? Do you often get into conversations about “Fraggle Rock?” Did you love “Empire Records?” Where were you on 9/11 – High School bio class, right? Stay home.
Actual Search #3: “what can my cold sore do to me?”
Catherine: What can’t it do is a better question. Offer you the fine company of solace and isolation? No, it can do that. Embitter your soul? It invariably does. Expect that it can, and will, do anything to bring you down.
Jana: Your cold sore can fuck you up.
Actual Search #4: “why do cold sores take chunks from lips”
Catherine: I don’t think that is supposed to happen…
Jana: IT DOES HAPPEN. It’s because they have to dry up first and then the dry stuff comes off, bringing chunks with it. TOO MUCH, I know. Real answer: It’s because the world is cold. Stay inside.
Catherine: Jana, TMI, buddy.
Actual Search #5: “if a cashier has a cold sore and touches you do you get herpes”
Catherine: Geez, I don’t know, probably? At least if it were me that would happen, because man, that would really suck.
Jana: Speaking as a former cashier with cold sores: No, bitch.
Actual Search #6: “I have some cold sores”
Catherine: Oh, really?
Jana: I understand the impulse to just type this into google as a stand-alone statement; I really do. Let me know if you need a hug or a valtrex.
Actual Search #7: “I don’t have cold sores”
Catherine: Congratulations! Read about Jana’s!
Jana: Cool, congratulations. Why did you put this in google? Is there a problem?
Actual Search #8: “people comment on my cold sores”
Catherine: Of course they do.
Jana: They talk about them behind your back too, I’m sure. Why is it that you’ve been going outside?
Actual Search #9: “nearly almost get cold sored during the night”
Catherine: Now, I assume this was a typo, but it’s so good to think of it NOT as a typo. Like, “coldsore” the verb. As in, “Man, I had a date, but I got coldsored so I stayed home and watched Hugh Grant movies while contemplating why nobody likes me.”
Jana: I’ve said this. I have actually said this.
BONUS ACTUAL SEARCH HAVING NOTHING TO DO WITH COLD SORES: “he stopped in middle of having sex then told me he wasn’t ready for a new relationship”
Catherine: I can only hope that reading our blog helped this poor person feel a little better, because DAMN.
Jana: Did you cry? I would have cried. Man, sex is great.