Daily Archives: November 21, 2011

That Time When I Ruined The Day (Maybe Life) Of A Target Employee Because My Body Exploded

Catherine: It was an afternoon like many other, probably overcast and nothing particularly good happening. My mother and I had eaten at the Old Country Buffet, which was sort of our standby throughout high school. Something about getting in and eating ALL YOU COULD, well, it appealed to me. To us both, really. Anyways. We finish eating (which is to say we had the equivalent of four meals at once) and journeyed down the way to Target. Whilst perusing the wares, suddenly I was kind of like, “Hm. You know what, I think I need to go to the bathroom.” Ten seconds later, that changed to “YOU KNOW WHAT, I THINK I NEED TO GO TO THE BATHROOM.” So, there I was. Bathroom was at the farthest possible point from my current Targetspot, and Target is huge, so thus began my emergency run/walk. I wish I could say I was not sweating and breathing heavily, but I absolutely was. By the time I was in sight of the bathroom, it was Defcon 5. As I rushed through the door, I noticed the ‘Out of Service’ sign, followed by a surprised cleaning lady whose face I saw but for a moment as I bust into a stall. Her “Bathroom is being serviced, you must wait!” rang in my ears as the door shut and I yellscreamed back, “IT’S AN EMERGENCY!!!!”

If you or someone you know has had to walk home after a too-drunken night where you met your soulmate only to awake and find that he/she is (to put it mildly) NOT EVEN CLOSE, know that when I had to leave the stall, AND SHE WAS STILL THERE, HAVING HEARD EVERYTHING, I felt something, deep, deep inside – it was The Ultimate Walk of Shame.

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Kids Are Weird and Delusional: A Generalization Based Entirely on the Weird Delusional Kid I used to Be.

Tuesday, April 9, ’96

Dear Journal, 

I’ve been thinking, you need a name. Maybe you could be Piggy, since she’s a really nice pig who has been my best friend ever since I turned 7. But I think I’ll name you Socac. I’m naming you Socac after what I want to be when I grow up. A soccer player and an actor. So I just put the two together to come up with Socac. So, today I cristin you Socac. 

Goodbye, Socac. I love you!

Jana P

I think I had a really solid chance of becoming the first ever famous combination soccer player/actor, mostly because I was so attractive and coordinated. Here’s another few excerpts that demonstrate this:

January 2, 1996

Hi! Today was ok. I went to the Doctor’s office and got my nose wart taken off. Then we went shopping for an hour or so (had lunch too) and then mom dropped us off at home while she did some errands. 

January 3rd, 1996

Dear Journal, 

Last night I was walking in just my socks, when I stepped on a pencil. I got some graffite in my foot and we spent hours trying to get it out. We called the Doctor today and she said it wasn’t to dangerous. What a relief!

So yeah, like I was saying, super attractive, super coordinated. I will say that the aforementioned nose wart was NOT a one time thing, also. It was right in the middle of my nose, sticking out style, and it came back about once a year for maybe five years. Dr. Paul, the ancient dermatologist who kept doggedly spraying liquid nitrogen on my nose wart whenever it recurred, practically raised me. It was weird though, because he never seemed to remember the long-running nose wart saga. Every time, he would start his spiel like, “this is going to hurt just a little…” and I’d be like, DR. PAUL! I’M ALL OVER IT! ME AND THIS NOSE WART AND THAT CAN OF LIQUID NITROGEN ARE GROWING UP TOGETHER!. I’m not sure he could hear me though, he truly was quite old. I miss that guy.

(Before Dr. Paul, for nose wart appearance #1, I went to a different dude who used a medication that turned the nose wart purple. The appointment happened to be the day before the play that I was in at school, so… I had a purple wart on my nose during the play. Even then, in third grade, I was getting the sense that this was sort of just gonna be the deal with life).

It’s been about ten years since the nose wart finally died for good (obviously, this is a premature statement. I’m sure it will be back). I remember it sort of fondly. It was also cool because sometimes it would bleed while I was on a playdate, and then the parents of whatever friend I was with would start suggesting regular nose-bleed-stopping strategies, and I’d have to explain that I didn’t have a NOSE BLEED, I just had a wart on my nose that was BLEEDING.

Attractive. Coordinated. Popular. Destined for fame on the stage, screen, and field. 

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